This is an idea that first came to me in response to an emerging idea throughout Shane Claibourne's Irresistible Revolution of the "one thing" we do each day, the "one thing" each moment should be centered on--our relationship with God--and how the rest of our lives should center on this.
I put this idea away for awhile and came back to it in response to a Candidacy session centering around grace and our personal responses through devotions and spiritual formation (titled "Grace: Spiritual Formation through Inner Disciplines").
The other focus bringing me to this exercise is a Kingdom Assignment through our local church. I have $100 to spend in God's ministry, no specifications other than that I must report back to the congregation. In my struggle to find one thing that I am most called to do--since I also having a growing sense that this is not meant only to grow God's money but to grow myself and push me out of my comfort zone--I have already missed the first reporting date as I continue to discern. I feel a growing pressure to report but also to remain true to another and greater responsibility to grow the money given to me by God for his purpose.
So, returning to the idea of "One Thing," I will set aside the time each day to write down one thing. This thing may be my response to something I've heard, read or done. It may be one thing I've committed to do. But it is a growth process foremost--to write one thing in response to some driving question in my mind. I committ to 100 days, but it will continue beyond that as the Spirit moves.
Grace & Peace!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Sunday, September 9, 2007
A lesson left to learn
My mantra: learn it.
I feel blessed right now with where I'm at and what I'm doing--I really do--but part of that blessing is abundance, and part of that abundance is feeling abundantly drained at the moment. I'm coming off the high of a weekend with the boys. They are amazing, and I had an absolutely great time, but I am physically extremely tired and not particularly prepared for this coming week.
Even from the year's start (all one week of it), I'm getting the feeling of being presented with thousands more options for each one I pare down--and I'm working fervently on the paring... to no avail. I have too much that I want to do, and I seem to have a complex when it comes to being busy. I enjoy it, however much I push myself away from it.
This week as a sample:
~Tomorrow: from school to a three-hour class to picking out light fixtures for our cave of a kitchen--the old one blew mid-week and we haven't had the time to replace it, so I've been enjoying the old-fashioned experience of washing dishes in the dark
~Tuesday: school, probably some phone calls and dinner-making, 7:00 Missions meeting or babysitting
~Wednesday: school, CP meeting, QT, 7:00 worship (& decorating of the church or Sunday School copying)
~etc. I have a few free days sometime in the latter half of the week, but I need them to plow through the growing list. My college recommendations are not even to their respective people. How am I not further? I need to find the time to get thigns ready for the first ICONS meeting. Tip of the iceburg. Sunday School. First youth meeting prep. CROP Walk announcements, bulletin inserts, Sunday school resources, parent letters, decorations, recruiting, organizing. On this last, I'm hoping to unload some at the Missions meeting if I'm able to go.
Sometimes I just struggle with finding the balance between passion and sanity. I love these things I'm doing--or else I wouldn't be doing them--but it's hard to know where the balance lies.
So that's my mantra: Balance. Balance. Balance. Balance. Balance. Balance. Balance. Balance. Balance.
This coming from the person who always fell off the balance beam.
Grace & Peace!
I feel blessed right now with where I'm at and what I'm doing--I really do--but part of that blessing is abundance, and part of that abundance is feeling abundantly drained at the moment. I'm coming off the high of a weekend with the boys. They are amazing, and I had an absolutely great time, but I am physically extremely tired and not particularly prepared for this coming week.
Even from the year's start (all one week of it), I'm getting the feeling of being presented with thousands more options for each one I pare down--and I'm working fervently on the paring... to no avail. I have too much that I want to do, and I seem to have a complex when it comes to being busy. I enjoy it, however much I push myself away from it.
This week as a sample:
~Tomorrow: from school to a three-hour class to picking out light fixtures for our cave of a kitchen--the old one blew mid-week and we haven't had the time to replace it, so I've been enjoying the old-fashioned experience of washing dishes in the dark
~Tuesday: school, probably some phone calls and dinner-making, 7:00 Missions meeting or babysitting
~Wednesday: school, CP meeting, QT, 7:00 worship (& decorating of the church or Sunday School copying)
~etc. I have a few free days sometime in the latter half of the week, but I need them to plow through the growing list. My college recommendations are not even to their respective people. How am I not further? I need to find the time to get thigns ready for the first ICONS meeting. Tip of the iceburg. Sunday School. First youth meeting prep. CROP Walk announcements, bulletin inserts, Sunday school resources, parent letters, decorations, recruiting, organizing. On this last, I'm hoping to unload some at the Missions meeting if I'm able to go.
Sometimes I just struggle with finding the balance between passion and sanity. I love these things I'm doing--or else I wouldn't be doing them--but it's hard to know where the balance lies.
So that's my mantra: Balance. Balance. Balance. Balance. Balance. Balance. Balance. Balance. Balance.
This coming from the person who always fell off the balance beam.
Grace & Peace!
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Beginnings
School is starting up again soon--next Tuesday in fact. Spanish Comp. started Monday night but it doesn't seem like things are really back since I don't have class again for two weeks. I'm definitely ready to get back to things though. This last part of my summer has been incredibly slow--at least physically; it certainly hasn't been emotionally. My grandpa has completely shut down this past week. He won't do anything unless someone does it for him, and he's been so resistant and bitter. He's a new man everytime I see him, mostly sleeping away the day to avoid his own head. I don't always know what to say or do. Sometimes I wish I could just hold him in my arms and hug him to somehow make it all go away.
I am ready for the start of school, but I know how busy it's going to be. Even more so with my grandpa and family needing more of my time. Getting back means senior year which means getting serious about college apps, writing those darned scholarship essays, continuing the endless job search--seriously it's getting kind of ridiculous...and um, mayble finally getting that appointment for senior pics set up? All I seem to want to do these days is get my butt down to Albion. I'm ready.
Meanwhile, our church hauls itself out of hibernation September 9th. My mom and I are watching the boys for the weekend of September 7-9. CROP Rally is the 8th so I need to at least start getting the word out the next day, or at least a teaser BECAUSE Sunday School starts back on the 9th along with 2 services, communion and a baptism...and I think youth are popping popcorn. phewwww. At least youth meetings don't officially start until the next Sunday. Appalachia Service Project, we're on our way!!!
Another beginning: I received a letter from the District Superintendent this last week approving me to continue on with Candidacy Process. My CP mentor of awesome is Reverend Kathy. I was doing mind cartwheels all day last Wednesday--since I can't actually do them however much I try. I have balance issues, but I am incredibly excited. We're meeting Sept. 12.
So, summer is winding to a close. I finished a good deal of what I wanted to, but not all. My bathroom is still at half-way point. The windows of our house are unscraped. I did however go on many amazing trips, get to see lots of awesome people including the incredible Ashton & Sammy duo, and spend many wonderful mornings and afternoons curled up with books from my summer reading list. I made my way through a quarter (with a week left to cram). The list is over here
So, in close, a smaller and more manageable list for fall (only 12)and hopes for a good and productive fall.
DONE 1) A Thousand Splendid Suns Khaled Hosseini
DONE 2) Wicked Gregory Maguire
DONE 3) Welcome to the Monkey House Kurt Vonnegut
DONE 4) Irresistible Revolution Shane Claiborne
DONE 5) Strange Pilgrims Gabriel Garcia Marquez
DONE 6) Noises Off Michael Frayn
DONE 7) Not Buying It: My Year Without Shopping Judith Levine
8) Talking about Homosexuality: A Congregational Resource Karen P. Oliveto
DONE 9) Prisoners of Silence Jonathan Kozol
10) Les Miserables Victor Hugo
DONE 11) Catch 22 Joseph Heller (because I need to finally finish this!)
DONE 12) Genesis
Grace & Peace!
I am ready for the start of school, but I know how busy it's going to be. Even more so with my grandpa and family needing more of my time. Getting back means senior year which means getting serious about college apps, writing those darned scholarship essays, continuing the endless job search--seriously it's getting kind of ridiculous...and um, mayble finally getting that appointment for senior pics set up? All I seem to want to do these days is get my butt down to Albion. I'm ready.
Meanwhile, our church hauls itself out of hibernation September 9th. My mom and I are watching the boys for the weekend of September 7-9. CROP Rally is the 8th so I need to at least start getting the word out the next day, or at least a teaser BECAUSE Sunday School starts back on the 9th along with 2 services, communion and a baptism...and I think youth are popping popcorn. phewwww. At least youth meetings don't officially start until the next Sunday. Appalachia Service Project, we're on our way!!!
Another beginning: I received a letter from the District Superintendent this last week approving me to continue on with Candidacy Process. My CP mentor of awesome is Reverend Kathy. I was doing mind cartwheels all day last Wednesday--since I can't actually do them however much I try. I have balance issues, but I am incredibly excited. We're meeting Sept. 12.
So, summer is winding to a close. I finished a good deal of what I wanted to, but not all. My bathroom is still at half-way point. The windows of our house are unscraped. I did however go on many amazing trips, get to see lots of awesome people including the incredible Ashton & Sammy duo, and spend many wonderful mornings and afternoons curled up with books from my summer reading list. I made my way through a quarter (with a week left to cram). The list is over here
So, in close, a smaller and more manageable list for fall (only 12)and hopes for a good and productive fall.
DONE 1) A Thousand Splendid Suns Khaled Hosseini
DONE 2) Wicked Gregory Maguire
DONE 3) Welcome to the Monkey House Kurt Vonnegut
DONE 4) Irresistible Revolution Shane Claiborne
DONE 5) Strange Pilgrims Gabriel Garcia Marquez
DONE 6) Noises Off Michael Frayn
DONE 7) Not Buying It: My Year Without Shopping Judith Levine
8) Talking about Homosexuality: A Congregational Resource Karen P. Oliveto
DONE 9) Prisoners of Silence Jonathan Kozol
10) Les Miserables Victor Hugo
DONE 11) Catch 22 Joseph Heller (because I need to finally finish this!)
DONE 12) Genesis
Grace & Peace!
A small snapshot of this past week
We got home from church today to find my grandpa's pajama pants and bathrobe on a chair by the stairs to my room and him curled up in my mom's bed sound asleep.
He's home now, at least for a day or two.
He's home now, at least for a day or two.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Pray
My grandpa's tucking in at our house tonight in preparation for a 5-6 hour session at Covenant tomorrow and the next few days also. The procedure is meant to measure fluid levels in his brain, which if at a certain level may be adding to his memory loss. If they do detect raised levels, a surgery can put in a stint that will keep them closer to desired levels. I'm hoping it goes well. It's just another step along the way I suppose. We're doing our best to keep him at comfort though.
I haven't heard any updates by way of Virginia folks. The last I heard was that my aunt didn't end up having the surgery but that it may be postponed for another day. With her discontinued insurance though, and some fairly low spirits, I think she can use all the prayer she can get.
I'm also centering my prayers on the family of Alyssa Grant this week. She was one of the youth to come to our Conference Youth Assembly just a few weeks ago, and I received an email that her father passed away after a massive heart attack. I can't imagine what her family is going through right now. May he rest in peace and may some peace be granted to her family as they struggle through this.
I haven't heard any updates by way of Virginia folks. The last I heard was that my aunt didn't end up having the surgery but that it may be postponed for another day. With her discontinued insurance though, and some fairly low spirits, I think she can use all the prayer she can get.
I'm also centering my prayers on the family of Alyssa Grant this week. She was one of the youth to come to our Conference Youth Assembly just a few weeks ago, and I received an email that her father passed away after a massive heart attack. I can't imagine what her family is going through right now. May he rest in peace and may some peace be granted to her family as they struggle through this.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Simple Things
My mom and I spent tonight with Sammy & Ashton. It's so much fun to be with them and watch them grow. Ashton baked us pancakes with bugs, or at least started to but got distracted in taking all of "my toys" away. "You can't play with toys before dinner, Zizzie." Oh, that's right, I forgot. *sigh*
Tomorrow we're going to go over and spend some good time with Grandpa. He has, for the most part, been much more peaceful over the past few weeks. I think some of it is resignation. I think some of it is just mellowing out? I think a big part of it is that we've spent more time with him. We've been taking him out for dinner a few times a week or sitting around with him while he eats his at home. Everytime we go anywhere it's the "best he's ever had." (It's great to hear him talk like that.) I talk to him at least three times a day. The first call is usually to see if he's taken his pills for the day, the other two or three or four usually because he forgets we've already talked. But sometimes it's nice to talk, and it's nice to hear that he's happy. As of the last doctor's visit, the doctor still didn't have a firm diagnosis. The only firm thing is that he can't drive although we're hoping to make that more official through Secretary of State. He's on two pills right now. One is for his thyroid and the other Aricept, is used for Alzheimers patients. We know he has some type of dementia, but sometimes it would be nice to have a firmer diagnosis. It seems like things would have a clearer path then, but I guess there really never is a clearer path with this. The family goes through a parallel struggle with the family member--a struggle to accept the person as they are now, not before, to be patient, to care even the twentieth time a story is told, to provide the absolute best that can be given. We pray and we wait. We pray and we wait and we love.
As for other simple things, I feel a little bit stuck in transition right now. MIP is over as I wait for acceptance into CP. Summer is slow as I wait for absolutely everything coming in another few weeks. I'm trying to take it slow because I know it will come fast. This would be a good time to work on college apps and scholarships, no? Why I keep procrastinating, I'm not sure--although I think a big part of it is the promising book pile always waiting for me. Continuing to fill out job applications would be a good thing too. I'm starting to think I'll never find one. Four down...I don't know: a bajillion left to go? Family time is a must in these next few weeks though, and friend time too. Today marks the one-year date from when Midori arrived. My mom and I started working on a book before she left. I worked on it more today...and hope to get it out this week. yikes!
One last-praying my hardest for my Aunt Linda. I heard through the grapevine that she was supposed to have had surgery on her tongue yesterday for the cancer she was diagnosed with earlier this year. Having the surgery at all was a debate, but one perpetuated by the fact that her health insurance runs out in a matter of a few days (she is privately insured as she runs her own country doc practice out of her own home). She needs to be surrounded right now. I wish we weren't so far away. God bless her and keep her in his care.
To the rest,
Grace & Peace always
Tomorrow we're going to go over and spend some good time with Grandpa. He has, for the most part, been much more peaceful over the past few weeks. I think some of it is resignation. I think some of it is just mellowing out? I think a big part of it is that we've spent more time with him. We've been taking him out for dinner a few times a week or sitting around with him while he eats his at home. Everytime we go anywhere it's the "best he's ever had." (It's great to hear him talk like that.) I talk to him at least three times a day. The first call is usually to see if he's taken his pills for the day, the other two or three or four usually because he forgets we've already talked. But sometimes it's nice to talk, and it's nice to hear that he's happy. As of the last doctor's visit, the doctor still didn't have a firm diagnosis. The only firm thing is that he can't drive although we're hoping to make that more official through Secretary of State. He's on two pills right now. One is for his thyroid and the other Aricept, is used for Alzheimers patients. We know he has some type of dementia, but sometimes it would be nice to have a firmer diagnosis. It seems like things would have a clearer path then, but I guess there really never is a clearer path with this. The family goes through a parallel struggle with the family member--a struggle to accept the person as they are now, not before, to be patient, to care even the twentieth time a story is told, to provide the absolute best that can be given. We pray and we wait. We pray and we wait and we love.
As for other simple things, I feel a little bit stuck in transition right now. MIP is over as I wait for acceptance into CP. Summer is slow as I wait for absolutely everything coming in another few weeks. I'm trying to take it slow because I know it will come fast. This would be a good time to work on college apps and scholarships, no? Why I keep procrastinating, I'm not sure--although I think a big part of it is the promising book pile always waiting for me. Continuing to fill out job applications would be a good thing too. I'm starting to think I'll never find one. Four down...I don't know: a bajillion left to go? Family time is a must in these next few weeks though, and friend time too. Today marks the one-year date from when Midori arrived. My mom and I started working on a book before she left. I worked on it more today...and hope to get it out this week. yikes!
One last-praying my hardest for my Aunt Linda. I heard through the grapevine that she was supposed to have had surgery on her tongue yesterday for the cancer she was diagnosed with earlier this year. Having the surgery at all was a debate, but one perpetuated by the fact that her health insurance runs out in a matter of a few days (she is privately insured as she runs her own country doc practice out of her own home). She needs to be surrounded right now. I wish we weren't so far away. God bless her and keep her in his care.
To the rest,
Grace & Peace always
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Updates
Another month of the summer has completely flown by seemingly without notice.
The five days spent in North Carolina for Youth '07 were great. Sometimes it felt like the programming was so obviously directed at the younger middle school crowd, but there were some amazing speakers (notably Bishop Linda Lee and Bishop Minerva Carcano) and it was great to talk with so many people. The two "splatshops" I attended were really well done as was the Worship Feast.
I flew back home for a few days to rest and to go with my mom to the first of grandpa's doctor's visits (more in later post). Then we started off for our adventure to Virginia. It was so amazing to just relax with family. I had an especially great time in Eastville with my aunt and uncle there. Even though things would seem to be crazy there, (my aunt has her own medical practice out of her home and my uncle a car repair shop; it's a normal occurence for her to stay up until 2 or 3 talking and get up by 6 for devotions; there were kittens born our second day there) they welcomed us in so openly and there was never a moment that she didn't have the time to stop and talk and question. It was great to be there for my mom's cousin's daughter's first birthday. Even though the relationship seems so far out, they are perhaps the part of the family that we are closest to. After Eastville, we journeyed up to the Richmond area and then to the Gotthardt clan in Colonial Beach. All are well, and it was especially good to hang out with Uncle Norman who is always full of hilarious stories and had some great pictures to share. It's so much fun to hear all of the brothers and sisters gossip about each other. Quite reluctantly, we started home after about a week down there, stopping in Pennsylvania for impromptu visits to Gravity Hill and Cokesbury.
VBS started the next day, Sunday. My kindergarten class was adorable, and for the most part, agreeably high-strung. Emily, Austin, Ashyln, Logan, Autumn, Dalessa, Jacob, Patrick! I so didn't want to say good-bye after only five days with them.
But I did, and my mom drove me down to Adrian for the last three days of Conference Youth Assembly. Sarah and I had some good chats as roomates in our deluxe-sized R.A. room, and the dance had pretty much the best music I've ever heard at a dance--except the robot songs. Hopefully I can do some good things as Confirmand's Rally chair.
I was very happy to unpack my suitcase on Monday. It hadn't been fully unpacked for almost a month, and sometimes it just feels good to sleep in your own bed even though hotels and family members' homes and even college dorms certainly don't have disagreeable accomodations by any standard.
I'm home for the rest of the summer, and I definitely look forward to having some quality time with Ashton & Sammy, friends, and the stack of books still waiting for me. There are also definitely some other things to get done, but they will.
Grace & Peace
♥
The five days spent in North Carolina for Youth '07 were great. Sometimes it felt like the programming was so obviously directed at the younger middle school crowd, but there were some amazing speakers (notably Bishop Linda Lee and Bishop Minerva Carcano) and it was great to talk with so many people. The two "splatshops" I attended were really well done as was the Worship Feast.
I flew back home for a few days to rest and to go with my mom to the first of grandpa's doctor's visits (more in later post). Then we started off for our adventure to Virginia. It was so amazing to just relax with family. I had an especially great time in Eastville with my aunt and uncle there. Even though things would seem to be crazy there, (my aunt has her own medical practice out of her home and my uncle a car repair shop; it's a normal occurence for her to stay up until 2 or 3 talking and get up by 6 for devotions; there were kittens born our second day there) they welcomed us in so openly and there was never a moment that she didn't have the time to stop and talk and question. It was great to be there for my mom's cousin's daughter's first birthday. Even though the relationship seems so far out, they are perhaps the part of the family that we are closest to. After Eastville, we journeyed up to the Richmond area and then to the Gotthardt clan in Colonial Beach. All are well, and it was especially good to hang out with Uncle Norman who is always full of hilarious stories and had some great pictures to share. It's so much fun to hear all of the brothers and sisters gossip about each other. Quite reluctantly, we started home after about a week down there, stopping in Pennsylvania for impromptu visits to Gravity Hill and Cokesbury.
VBS started the next day, Sunday. My kindergarten class was adorable, and for the most part, agreeably high-strung. Emily, Austin, Ashyln, Logan, Autumn, Dalessa, Jacob, Patrick! I so didn't want to say good-bye after only five days with them.
But I did, and my mom drove me down to Adrian for the last three days of Conference Youth Assembly. Sarah and I had some good chats as roomates in our deluxe-sized R.A. room, and the dance had pretty much the best music I've ever heard at a dance--except the robot songs. Hopefully I can do some good things as Confirmand's Rally chair.
I was very happy to unpack my suitcase on Monday. It hadn't been fully unpacked for almost a month, and sometimes it just feels good to sleep in your own bed even though hotels and family members' homes and even college dorms certainly don't have disagreeable accomodations by any standard.
I'm home for the rest of the summer, and I definitely look forward to having some quality time with Ashton & Sammy, friends, and the stack of books still waiting for me. There are also definitely some other things to get done, but they will.
Grace & Peace
♥
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
where love stares us in the face and begs a response
We spent the evening over at my grandpa's house again.
Sometimes even the better part of me wonders what we're doing over there
as we've been spending more and more time over there to keep things going
we tidy things up and he gets upset
we tidy things up and he forgets and puts things back where they were in the first place
paid bills get reopened
clean clothes are a non-issue to him
he often brings up the past as in to shove it in others' faces
even simple misunderstandings make him lash out
he's stinky, irritable, revengeful, forgetful, confused, stuck in the past, and difficult
most of the time
so why?
he's a part of the family
yes
someone has to look out for him
yes
we care about him
yes
but why?
maybe because this is what love really is
because really
when we think about love
we think about the sacrificial parent
pacing the floor late at night,
rocking a baby on half the necessary sleep,
nurturing a child on the way
we think a dedicated family at a grandparent's hospital bed side
with the grandma/grandpa softly speaking words of love and encouragement
we think about the success stories
about teachers transforming classrooms
about 75-year anniversaries
about 1 Corinthians 13--a love never impatient, unkind, jealous, boastful, proud, ill-mannered, selfish, irratible, revengeful, disonest
and yes,
of course
this is love
this is love in abundance
but what is love the rest of the time when it's not quite saintly enough for us to take notice?
where do those stinky and easily resisted pleas for attention and care reside in our lives?
I think sometimes we, or at least I, get too busy to stop and wait.
we like helping people, but we're helping them in the rush to get to the next thing,
even when that next thing is often helping someone else.
We don't think we'd ever follow a request to help an elderly citizen across the road by rushing them through traffic so fast that they collapse on approaching the curb and then rush on to hand a few dollars to a bewildered man standing outside the gas station asking for money and then run back to the car to rush home to make dinner
of course not
but love is not neat,
and love
takes a lot of time.
With my grandpa,
much of the irritation comes in thinking people are in too much of a rush to take notice,
much of the hurt, past and present, and thus the hurt he passes on
are an effort at healing from feeling left out of the loop too long
he's forgetful,
and we rarely take the time to remind him.
he doesn't change or clean
because there isn't always someone coming,
or somewhere to go,
and he doesn't want to bother taking the time for just himself.
once in a while I realize what I'm missing with him.
tonight we brought dinner--
McDonalds, no less,
but sustenance all the same.
I finished my food,
opened up the newspaper to read bits to him until it ran dry,
and then I just sat.
For once, I didn't rush him through his story or make sure he kept eating.
I stopped myself from moving to the next thing.
I stopped myself from running, and
I listened for over an hour
as he talked about growing up and his family and a pet horse named Esquire and kids at school.
I listened as he forgot his story and started from the beginning,
and I smiled and asked questions anyway.
He forgot he had food in front of him, got up and left, came back
was surprised at the food,
started his story again,
and I listened anyway.
I moved him to the kitchen
and started to clean off the table so we could begin on transferring his scrapbook to new pages when I get back from North Carolina.
I found layer upon layer of lottery tickets and intricate prediction charts and decades of brochures
but underneath,
there were older planner pages where his patient lettering taught mine,
calendar pages he made out for me to cross off the days until holidays and summer vacations,
menus I had made him for breakfast and lunch on those vacation days--
And somehow,
tonight was one of those nights
when I really saw him.
This is a man who has shown his family a lot of hurt,
and they, for the most part, have tried to look past it
to help the man he is now but with a slanted glance
and a bit of a rush to get by with the help without any extra hurt.
I'm certainly younger.
I've received a much lighter load.
I've fought a less uphill fight.
I've known the hard man,
but I've also known the soft.
But I still bear a good deal of the rush,
and I need to make a greater effort to try.
He needs attention.
He needs love.
He needs to feel worthwhile.
I need to give him that chance.
Sometimes even the better part of me wonders what we're doing over there
as we've been spending more and more time over there to keep things going
we tidy things up and he gets upset
we tidy things up and he forgets and puts things back where they were in the first place
paid bills get reopened
clean clothes are a non-issue to him
he often brings up the past as in to shove it in others' faces
even simple misunderstandings make him lash out
he's stinky, irritable, revengeful, forgetful, confused, stuck in the past, and difficult
most of the time
so why?
he's a part of the family
yes
someone has to look out for him
yes
we care about him
yes
but why?
maybe because this is what love really is
because really
when we think about love
we think about the sacrificial parent
pacing the floor late at night,
rocking a baby on half the necessary sleep,
nurturing a child on the way
we think a dedicated family at a grandparent's hospital bed side
with the grandma/grandpa softly speaking words of love and encouragement
we think about the success stories
about teachers transforming classrooms
about 75-year anniversaries
about 1 Corinthians 13--a love never impatient, unkind, jealous, boastful, proud, ill-mannered, selfish, irratible, revengeful, disonest
and yes,
of course
this is love
this is love in abundance
but what is love the rest of the time when it's not quite saintly enough for us to take notice?
where do those stinky and easily resisted pleas for attention and care reside in our lives?
I think sometimes we, or at least I, get too busy to stop and wait.
we like helping people, but we're helping them in the rush to get to the next thing,
even when that next thing is often helping someone else.
We don't think we'd ever follow a request to help an elderly citizen across the road by rushing them through traffic so fast that they collapse on approaching the curb and then rush on to hand a few dollars to a bewildered man standing outside the gas station asking for money and then run back to the car to rush home to make dinner
of course not
but love is not neat,
and love
takes a lot of time.
With my grandpa,
much of the irritation comes in thinking people are in too much of a rush to take notice,
much of the hurt, past and present, and thus the hurt he passes on
are an effort at healing from feeling left out of the loop too long
he's forgetful,
and we rarely take the time to remind him.
he doesn't change or clean
because there isn't always someone coming,
or somewhere to go,
and he doesn't want to bother taking the time for just himself.
once in a while I realize what I'm missing with him.
tonight we brought dinner--
McDonalds, no less,
but sustenance all the same.
I finished my food,
opened up the newspaper to read bits to him until it ran dry,
and then I just sat.
For once, I didn't rush him through his story or make sure he kept eating.
I stopped myself from moving to the next thing.
I stopped myself from running, and
I listened for over an hour
as he talked about growing up and his family and a pet horse named Esquire and kids at school.
I listened as he forgot his story and started from the beginning,
and I smiled and asked questions anyway.
He forgot he had food in front of him, got up and left, came back
was surprised at the food,
started his story again,
and I listened anyway.
I moved him to the kitchen
and started to clean off the table so we could begin on transferring his scrapbook to new pages when I get back from North Carolina.
I found layer upon layer of lottery tickets and intricate prediction charts and decades of brochures
but underneath,
there were older planner pages where his patient lettering taught mine,
calendar pages he made out for me to cross off the days until holidays and summer vacations,
menus I had made him for breakfast and lunch on those vacation days--
And somehow,
tonight was one of those nights
when I really saw him.
This is a man who has shown his family a lot of hurt,
and they, for the most part, have tried to look past it
to help the man he is now but with a slanted glance
and a bit of a rush to get by with the help without any extra hurt.
I'm certainly younger.
I've received a much lighter load.
I've fought a less uphill fight.
I've known the hard man,
but I've also known the soft.
But I still bear a good deal of the rush,
and I need to make a greater effort to try.
He needs attention.
He needs love.
He needs to feel worthwhile.
I need to give him that chance.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
It was nice to be back at State Street this morning
I don't think I'd realized how much it had become like home,
and how much I missed it,
until I was gone for the last two Sundays.
Two Sundays!
seriously
I'll be gone again for the next two while in NC and then visiting family in Virginia.
I think maybe the perspective while I'm gone is a good thing though.
Any relationship needs space
mine with the church is no different
and speaking of space...
my computer tells me it's 95 degrees (feels like 102)
yikes!
the space I need is from this house or I'll be baked alive.
Off to walk
and how much I missed it,
until I was gone for the last two Sundays.
Two Sundays!
seriously
I'll be gone again for the next two while in NC and then visiting family in Virginia.
I think maybe the perspective while I'm gone is a good thing though.
Any relationship needs space
mine with the church is no different
and speaking of space...
my computer tells me it's 95 degrees (feels like 102)
yikes!
the space I need is from this house or I'll be baked alive.
Off to walk
It's quiet
and nice here.
I think I rather prefer blogging in this atmosphere.
If anyone ever stumbles across this,
great.
If not,
probably even better.
There's nothing profound here--no well-formed theologies, no terribly amusing anecdotes
just quiet reflections on life as it comes my way
Grace & Peace
I think I rather prefer blogging in this atmosphere.
If anyone ever stumbles across this,
great.
If not,
probably even better.
There's nothing profound here--no well-formed theologies, no terribly amusing anecdotes
just quiet reflections on life as it comes my way
Grace & Peace
Saturday, July 7, 2007
A Failed Attempt?
So after an afternoon of lazing around, reading and carefully avoiding the other work to be done around the house, my mother and I decided to get out of the house. We don't get to spend a lot of time together--harried car rides or rushed dinners are often what our time together amounts to although summer has afforded some more leisurely spent moments--so the idea of getting up to the state park in bay city seemed thoroughly amenable.
Except...no directions traveled with us, and after a good while of driving aimlessly through quaint lake-side communities and trying to find the public end of things, we were dead lost (along with just plain embarrassed to stop anywhere along the way and say that we lived twenty minutes away in Saginaw but had no clue where the darned park was).
So on our way to admit failure, and stop at the Tim Hortons by the highway, we found "State Park Rd." Hallelujah!
Got there with little difficulty, paid our fare, and trooped hopefully up a nice, shady path
to find our lazy dreams of walking along the water dashed--by warning signs for muck? pure delight to be sure.
Praying for some hope of a salvaged trip, we trudged on. One lone woman sat enjoying the dusk air fresh with a very animal-like smell (algae growth=abundant muck=manure smell? who knew?) and rowdy sounds reverberating of the shoreline from two dozen boats anchored in the bay.
Hmm...no?
But we turned around and walked back to some hiking trails we'd seen a while back. They, at the very least, were nice. It was good to talk and catch up with my mother, adorable children on bikes abounded, and the fresh air did us good. I also have a renewed vow to try another attack at walking every day--perhaps even jogging? The latter being something I actually love doing and find a great form of refreshment but usually refrain from if only for the appearance I give while doing--think Phoebe on Friends
Maybe.
Except...no directions traveled with us, and after a good while of driving aimlessly through quaint lake-side communities and trying to find the public end of things, we were dead lost (along with just plain embarrassed to stop anywhere along the way and say that we lived twenty minutes away in Saginaw but had no clue where the darned park was).
So on our way to admit failure, and stop at the Tim Hortons by the highway, we found "State Park Rd." Hallelujah!
Got there with little difficulty, paid our fare, and trooped hopefully up a nice, shady path
to find our lazy dreams of walking along the water dashed--by warning signs for muck? pure delight to be sure.
Praying for some hope of a salvaged trip, we trudged on. One lone woman sat enjoying the dusk air fresh with a very animal-like smell (algae growth=abundant muck=manure smell? who knew?) and rowdy sounds reverberating of the shoreline from two dozen boats anchored in the bay.
Hmm...no?
But we turned around and walked back to some hiking trails we'd seen a while back. They, at the very least, were nice. It was good to talk and catch up with my mother, adorable children on bikes abounded, and the fresh air did us good. I also have a renewed vow to try another attack at walking every day--perhaps even jogging? The latter being something I actually love doing and find a great form of refreshment but usually refrain from if only for the appearance I give while doing--think Phoebe on Friends
Maybe.
Friday, July 6, 2007
I'm back from Maine--or rather have been since early this week but have been woefully negligent in posting here
So what's new?
Maine was absolutely gorgeous and the people I met were equally so. We were welcomed so warmly everywhere we went and sometimes it felt like we were being served much more than serving. My perspective on ministry was widened as well. Try as I might not to, I had truly started to believe (if only by observance around here) that effective ministry only comes from tiring out a bunch of heartstrong ministers. We worked at a food bank started off of a woman's porch, scraped paint on the church of an energetic man who started a thrift shop with his wife to give back $30,000 a year to the community, and were shepherded to Acadia National Park by a pastor who serves a five-point charge and still finds time and energy to drive the local school bus. The youth were largely hard-working and a good bunch. I had a lot of fun meeting new people, and spending a little time away from what has started to seem like the daily grind was a huge refreshment.
Since back:
~ devouring the second half of Gone with the Wind sacrificed from my travel bag to save space
~ attending to all lost time with the babies and toddlers of the family, namely my cousin's two-- one finally achieved the long awaited potty training; the other cut his second tooth smiling all (most of) the way
~ the life and times of the scraping of walls & ceiling in my upstairs bathroom--color yet tbd
~ catching up with friends over coffee breaks and fireworks
~ job application frenzy--will I ever find one? maybe by school year
~ starting app. to Albion--will...be...there...soon...if only...for fall overnight
Youth '07 in five!
So what's new?
Maine was absolutely gorgeous and the people I met were equally so. We were welcomed so warmly everywhere we went and sometimes it felt like we were being served much more than serving. My perspective on ministry was widened as well. Try as I might not to, I had truly started to believe (if only by observance around here) that effective ministry only comes from tiring out a bunch of heartstrong ministers. We worked at a food bank started off of a woman's porch, scraped paint on the church of an energetic man who started a thrift shop with his wife to give back $30,000 a year to the community, and were shepherded to Acadia National Park by a pastor who serves a five-point charge and still finds time and energy to drive the local school bus. The youth were largely hard-working and a good bunch. I had a lot of fun meeting new people, and spending a little time away from what has started to seem like the daily grind was a huge refreshment.
Since back:
~ devouring the second half of Gone with the Wind sacrificed from my travel bag to save space
~ attending to all lost time with the babies and toddlers of the family, namely my cousin's two-- one finally achieved the long awaited potty training; the other cut his second tooth smiling all (most of) the way
~ the life and times of the scraping of walls & ceiling in my upstairs bathroom--color yet tbd
~ catching up with friends over coffee breaks and fireworks
~ job application frenzy--will I ever find one? maybe by school year
~ starting app. to Albion--will...be...there...soon...if only...for fall overnight
Youth '07 in five!
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Maine-ly excited
I leave for my first mission trip tomorrow.
Winthrop, Maine
After years of begging and trying to stir the waters for mission among the youth of my own church, I finally took the leap to simply ask some friends at a neighboring church. They welcomed me in quite graciously, and after fundraising and waiting excitedly for months it's hard to believe that we're leaving tomorrow.
6:45
I'm sure I place more store in this than is necessary. Quite sure actually. Yet mission and service seem to light a fire under me that doesn't spring from many other places. Even in utter simplicity, my heart kind of falls over itself to sort food or pick up scraps at a construction site or run after sticky children.
I'd probably be quite content to be like the brother in a monastery who believed with all his heart that God had called him to wash dishes, and if that was his calling, he would give it his all.
I don't know what this trip will hold (I'm sure the beautiful scenery of Maine doesn't hurt too much either), but I look forward to getting to know and spend time with these youth from across the way and to getting to serve wherever I'm needed.
Hope is strong that I will come back with many ideas for doing this in my own church.
Grace & Peace!
Winthrop, Maine
After years of begging and trying to stir the waters for mission among the youth of my own church, I finally took the leap to simply ask some friends at a neighboring church. They welcomed me in quite graciously, and after fundraising and waiting excitedly for months it's hard to believe that we're leaving tomorrow.
6:45
I'm sure I place more store in this than is necessary. Quite sure actually. Yet mission and service seem to light a fire under me that doesn't spring from many other places. Even in utter simplicity, my heart kind of falls over itself to sort food or pick up scraps at a construction site or run after sticky children.
I'd probably be quite content to be like the brother in a monastery who believed with all his heart that God had called him to wash dishes, and if that was his calling, he would give it his all.
I don't know what this trip will hold (I'm sure the beautiful scenery of Maine doesn't hurt too much either), but I look forward to getting to know and spend time with these youth from across the way and to getting to serve wherever I'm needed.
Hope is strong that I will come back with many ideas for doing this in my own church.
Grace & Peace!
This is silly
I know even as I think it that it's silly to wait for a reason to start a new blog.
Even so, it feels like I need a new start in a lot of places, starting with my faith and so maybe, maybe this can be the place to do it
a place to voice some thoughts without much voice elsewhere
dip my feet in and spend some time musing
I need a new form of devotion and I'm intrigued at this being a help
(a friend did the same a few months back and said it helped immensely)
So here's to a start
May it perhaps bring to fruition what I have yet even to bring to thought
Even so, it feels like I need a new start in a lot of places, starting with my faith and so maybe, maybe this can be the place to do it
a place to voice some thoughts without much voice elsewhere
dip my feet in and spend some time musing
I need a new form of devotion and I'm intrigued at this being a help
(a friend did the same a few months back and said it helped immensely)
So here's to a start
May it perhaps bring to fruition what I have yet even to bring to thought
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