Snowed in from LIFE group last night and work today, I've been dreaming - only partially in my sleep. haha.
I realized that part of this vague purposelessness and hardened heart on and off these past few months comes down to this - I've forgotten to hope for what's in store.
As P. Pete put it in the Persona series, "A lot of our character failings come down to forgetting our purpose..."
Convinced that I am inadequate for God's calling on my life, focused on "too much" in the present to be concerned with, dissuaded from dreaming because I have "no business" planning God's future...I've stopped dreaming. Of course, if fantasy becomes my reality it is out of control, but I have to remember that it is not only okay but healthy to dream and to share those dreams with others.
"And hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us...Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what is seen? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." - Romans 5:5, 8:24-25
So I've been dreaming, blowing the dust off old dreams placed on a shelf, hoping for what's in store - for my future, for Detroit, for my students. Feel free to ask.
Reading through my old journals I found a quote from our lead pastor,
"Don't let your passions die. Pray and seek. God will speak. He will open up a door."
All in all - as many of you have been hearing! - it has been a very difficult season at work, humbling and stretching in many different ways, but every once in a while, God deposits these little gifts throughout the days that catch me chuckling - sometimes it comes through the kids' conversations, a small glimmer of them maturing into future men and leaders, a hug, mistakenly being called "mommy," or even, as I want to share today, seeing cute kid-isms as I grade at my desk!
As a class we've been learning the vocabulary words from our morning routine...right now we're working through the Lord's prayer...It has been pretty hilarious to see 6-year-olds reactions to the words.
"Deliver us from evil..." - This is an evil wolf!
"For thine is the glory..." - The sentence says "There's glory of the kingdom."
I'm honestly not sure what the picture means!
Proper noun worksheet - Who is your best friend? Jesus!
It's good to be home to rest and catch up with family! These days it is also a refreshing breath to step away from Detroit and gain a fresh perspective and heart to engage...
This morning, my mom and I had devotions together up in my room and shared what we are thankful for in this past year...but before I share my list, I want to share a cute moment from yesterday.
Yesterday afternoon, I had only two students left after lunch. I was sitting at my desk finishing up some work when I came over - "Hey, Ms. Martin, guess what I made?" He had made a cross on a peg board. "It's from the church of God," he said, holding up his peg board with a huge smile. I'm thankful for the light in his eyes that reminds me of God's good work not only in and through I's life (he's autistic but that "label" is becoming less and less true of him) but also in each student at our school, and in my own heart.
Here is I's journal from yesterday - "What are you thankful for?" - God blesses me so much through this child's heart to thank God for things I rarely stop to give thanks for. He wrote -
I'm thankful for school.
I'm thankful for love.
I'm thankful for numbers.
I'm thankful for snack.
I'm thankful for morning line.
I'm thankful for books.
A few things I give God thanks for this year -
- continued health
- opening my heart more and more to a community of love (both to give and receive)
- faithfulness in calling and provision
- working powerfully in our LIFE group, bringing many through word of mouth, including those who don't know Christ but can still find a space to call home and explore more of who God is - for me, what we do is all about them and others who would not otherwise have a faith community
- opening our eyes through connections with other churches in Detroit to see the many ways God is moving in the city
- partnership - every bit of it is a gift
- sisters to keep me accountable and grow together with, mentors who give me a glimpse of what's ahead
- time to spend with family and friends
- a joy where I can invest and daily learn; a job where God is the only one who can be in control
- small wins with the children in my classroom every day
- opening my mind to understand the foundational power and rich gift of the Word and to take in His truth (John 8:32 coming alive in my life this year!)
One of the goals I set out to work toward this year is learning guitar. Granted, I've known for a long time that I have no musical talent. I'm tone deaf and am obtuse when it comes to rhythm (case in point: I can't clap and sing at the same time!). But the desire to learn guitar came less out of a desire to be able to showcase my newfound gift (ha) to anyone else and more out of a desire to come to a deeper understanding of what it means to have a heart of worship.
Eleven months into this "project" I have learned small amounts. At the outset of the year I only knew G but now I can play C, D and Em and can verrrrrrrry slowwwwwly string them together into a halting song. Granted, my practice times have also been few and far between for most of the year.
But tonight I got a small glimpse of God's heart. On about the 100th run through of the bridge (?) of "To Live is Christ" -- Only by the cross I am saved (C-D-Em) -- I was getting frustrated that I still couldn't switch smoothly from one chord to the next, but then God struck me with the thought that He is pleased if it takes me 100 times to wrestle with that truth that only by the cross I am saved rather than playing it smoothly the first time and moving on. I may never be able to play a song through smoothly. I may never be able to pray an hour in my room without falling asleep. I may never be able to go through a day without raising my voice at my students once or fighting the urge to walk out in frustration at broken expectations and the things in life that don't go my way...I may never be able to live a life of worship with a pure heart, but learning to play guitar is a tangible reminder of what it means to commit to even wrestle in worship with God and to fight for His truth to ring true in my heart, whether in one try, a hundred, a thousand, a lifetime...and to live life believing that one day I'll "get it" if only on the day when I stand face to face with Christ.
This phrase has been repeating itself in my head this week...
Tramping through the fall leaves on my way home, especially along brick-paved Pallister, and breathing in the warm fall air... you're rich to be experiencing this moment right now...
Working through loan repayment details last night, the value of the numbers faded and the reminder came...you're rich to have experienced these last four years, not only in education but in experiencing Biblical community and a fresh experience of faith... [I felt prompted to check out www.globalrichlist.com afterward - top 13.5% income in the world should lead to nothing short of praise! Where do you stand?]
Tuesday night as our community group sat around affirming one another's spiritual gifts...you're rich to have this community during this time of transition...
Reading God's Word on morning bus rides...you're rich to understand these Words...you're rich to have this quiet time before the day begins...
Coming home from work...you're rich to have these experiences straight out of college with no certification and to have the privilege to invest in these children's lives and experience their joy...
After months of feeling akin to the blue, little oval in the Zoloft commericals dragging itself along the ground under cloud cover, these past few weeks have been a huge breath of fresh air as the clouds have rolled away and God has blessed me with a fresh perspective. I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude at the smallest things. However, may this gratitude be not just an emotion but lay down deeper roots to anchor me whatever comes next...
And even now that I'm inside your hands Help me not to grow prideful again Don't let me forsake sacrifice Jesus you be lifted high And if I'm blessed with the riches of kings How could I ever feel that it was me For you brought me from darkness to light Jesus, you be lifted high -"Be Lifted High," Michael W. Smith
I recently viewed the documentary Jiro Dreams of Sushi after eye-ing it for a number of months. Not only am I quickly drawn to any story or film that focuses on the elderly because I feel like they are a population often written off but full of so many interesting experiences and knowledge (as well as just being SHAMELESS with whatever and whoever they love best), but also I was drawn by a love for Japanese culture...and sushi.
Check out the trailer here!
Although many of the experiences shared pointed to the pervasive Japanese worldview of hard work and family honor - for example Jiro describing his own experience of learning the value of perseverance through being sent out from his family before the age of 10 to work and told he needed to work hard because he had no home to come back to! - I felt that there were also a number of Gospel truths woven into the narrative.
One thing that stuck out to me most were the 5 Qualities of a Great Chef shared by a man describing his time with Jiro. I realized how telling these qualities are for great leaders in the church and society as well.
1. Each day work to beat what you've done before - One of the biggest challenges as Christians is that our experience of God's faithfulness should always propel us to have greater anticipation and expectation of what He can yet do and to set our lives on a path that always leaves room for God to do more through us than we could do on our own strength.
2. Intentionally develop skills
3. Cleanliness (food will not taste good in an unclean environment) - I realized how true this is of the pursuit of holiness in the church. Two ministries may have identical events but there will be a greater fruit and experience of God in the place where believers are earnestly praying for the Spirit to move, asking God to purify their hearts, and seeking to align their lives to be more Christ-like. Just as there is an impure taste to food prepared in an unclean environment, there is a tainted sense to a worship service, Bible study, or any gathering in the church when it's evident that the truth shared does not resonate in the experiences of the people in that room outside of that set time.
4. Leader vs. collaborator - Obviously collaboration is more valued in the church than in the kitchen (though there, too, there is a sense of collaboration towards a common goal), but I think what they were describing here is a sense of leadership in setting non-negotiables when it comes to values. If the chef does not set clear values, direction, and vision in the kitchen, everyone will rise up as a chef with their own opinions - where we get the phrase "too many chefs in the kitchen." I'm constantly learning that if leaders do not set clear values and direction as they hear from God, there will also be a confusion in the group and many others rising up to set their own agenda.
5. Passion!
Another interesting aspect of the documentary was apprenticeship. Jiro and the staff talked many times about how the restaurant was one generation away from extinction when it came to the values of service and quality of food if new chefs were not challenged and raised up. Jiro passed on not only the skills but also a sense of focus and passion, helping his sons and the other workers to build one skill at a time (One described that they were not allowed to make the eggs for 10 years! Even then, their skill was critiqued and refined). Apprenticeship under Jiro is not easy - his own son wanted to run away for the first 2 years - but it produces excellent chefs who not only seek their own fame but understand the direction of the restaurant. Not every chef stays either. Jiro described the process of sending out one man to start his own restaurant. He recognized potential in him and pushed for him to pursue his gifts. It's not hard to see the connections to principles of discipleship.
Finally, it stood out that Jiro's shop is the only one of its kind to receive the Michelin 3-star rating for restaurants (a rating that qualifies a restaurant to be worthy of a visit to that country just to eat there). There are only 10 seats, it costs $300 a meal, you must reserve a seat at least a month in advance, and they serve nothing but sushi, but still people come from all over the world to "come and see." What a compelling reminder of the Gospel - it's a narrow road, costly, and is "nothing but Jesus," but it's worthy to share nothing more or less than the truth and to invite others to "come and see." And like they shared of Jiro's place, "there's never a disappointing experience."
God gave me a comforting image this morning for the coming months...A child is playing in a maze, high enough that they cannot see the way but low enough that the parent watching over can see everything. The child runs into dead end after dead end yet laughs hysterically at each because they can look up and see their parent watching and they know something good is in the middle of the maze. For this child, everything is pure joy. The search is as enjoyable as the act of discovery.
I read a book recently that described the process of evaluating where you're at, where you've been, and where you have yet to grow as this, and after a day long retreat of exactly this I think I completely agree with the term.
The best analogy I can think of is weeding. You see something on the surface that doesn't look quite right--a habit, a relationship, an emotion--and so you begin digging all around it--going through every emotion, every past experience without trying to isolate only what's "relevant" (you can't dig out a weed by digging from only one side if it's of any significant size). Finally, finally after a lot of digging, you come to the point where you can fully unearth it, hold it in your hands, look at it from all sides. You begin to even see the places where the roots touch those of other weeds nearby. It's time-consuming, draining, but immensely satisfying...and absolutely necessary for the real plants to grow.
Various times over this past semester, I've been enjoying reflecting over all the random but very true lessons I've learned over the past few years working in the dining hall...there is definitely something to learn in every job! Here are a handful of the lessons I've picked up:
1. Don't be scared off by the first impression people give...some of the workers have extremely tough exteriors and will do anything to dissuade you from getting to know them at the outset...but I've realized for many of them it's just a defense mechanism to ward off those who won't make the effort to really get to know them. Most of them are softies inside. I'm grateful too for those that were easy to get to know off the bat. Without them and their encouragement, I don't know that I would've had the mental fortitude to stick around!
2. Every person plays a role...no room for prideful "do it all yourself-ers...you realize this quickly on days where half of the staff doesn't show up and everything falls into chaos. It's only picked back up again when there is a strong leader (see #4) and everyone else steps up to take their part.
3. On a related note...pride comes before fall. Seriously, I can't tell you how many times I thought I could handle the floor by myself, and that was the exact moment followed by dropping the tomatoes and sending them rolling all over the floor (or those nasty mushrooms that stick to the floor!), or someone walking by spilling their cereal and milk, the cheese...or worst, the honey!
4. Everything depends on the leader who's able to train and delegate...a strong shift leader or manager trains and encourages others to do the work and helps them prioritize, the newbies almost always try to do it all themselves and end up not only being constantly distracted by others coming to them looking for direction and not knowing what to do but holding everyone over by an hour because neither they nor the other workers were able to complete the work.
5. Learn to prioritize...If everything's empty, you can't fill it all at once, but you learn to realize which things the dining hall can't do without (salad, cheese, Lucky Charms, guacamole, cucumbers, balsamic vinegar, soy sauce, pita...to name a few)--seriously, just try waiting a few minutes before filling any of these and see if you won't get at least 10 requests--and which things people really don't notice the absence of (for instance, you could probably go a full shift without replacing the beets or olives with relatively little fuss). This holds true to life--gotta learn what is worth stressing about and what you can just take care of when you have time.
6. Every conversation doesn't have to be deep...For some, this is a fairly obvious lesson, but for me, someone who sincerely dislikes small talk and would almost always rather jump into the immediate deep questions--What are you passionate about? What motivates you? Where do you see yourself in five years? A year from now?--it has been a good lesson to see how even the small talk that accumulates over months and years of seeing the same people at work (whether co-workers or students in the dorms) can grow into a strong relationship where you have a basis of trust to begin talking about the deeper things.
7. Don't discount the value of prayer...Not only was prayer sometimes the driving motivation that brought me through my shifts on sleep-deprived days or the middle of fasts and helped me to continue to be faithful, I also saw multiple times that people I met in the dining hall and gained a burden to pray for, were people I later saw at church. Although I rarely had the privilege to invite, I had the privilege to pray and see God do His work through others.
